I don’t know anyone who isn’t riveted on the Gulf Coast
situation and the devastation of New Orleans, deeply concerned,
thinking and praying for the survivors, the ones who didn’t
survive, the helpers, and those who have loved ones not
accounted for.
I do know individuals who are handling it differently.
Perhaps exchanges such as one I saw today are going on in your
office. When Marta walked in, with her usual big smile on her
face, she asked Amanda, “Do you have plans for Labor Day?”
Grimly, Amanda replied, “No. Not really.”
“No one seems to,” continued Marta, just making conversation.
“Everyone I’ve asked has said they didn’t have anything planned.
I guess everyone’s just tired.”
”Marta,” said Amanda, curtly, “It’s a little bit hard to think
about a vacation with what’s going on in New Orleans.”
“Why?” asked Marta, truly puzzled.
Amanda rolled her eyes and turned back to the computer to watch
the video of rescue activities.
Marta turned the corner and headed into Patrick’s office to ask
him if he thought a person couldn’t be happy until everyone in
the world was happy.
GRIEF & COMPASSION
People handle grief and compassion in different ways. Both
Amanda and Marta had taken part in their office’s Katrina Relief
Drive earlier in the week, and both had covered for other
employees who were trying to contact friends or relatives in the
Gulf Coast area.
Marta, however, was concerned, had helped, and was continuing on
with her life as usual, while Amanda, also concerned, also
having helped, felt it inappropriate to live her life as usual
at such a time.
Amanda thinks Marta is being “shallow,” and “self-centered,”
while Marta thinks Amanda is “dwelling,” and “over-reacting.”
Either way is A way of handling such a tragedy, nothing more,
and nothing less.
As we make our way through the aftermath of the hurricane, which
is likely to go on for a long time, we’ll have different
emotions and reactions, as individuals and as community, and
certain things are predictable because we each cope differently
with emotions.
Some want to vent about it every free moment, while others would
prefer to stay focused on work. The talkers like to share
feelings with others, and find it comforting. The workers like
to keep their mind on the work to get some relief from thinking,
i.e., feeling, about it. Contrary to common perception, it’s the
thinker-workers who are feeling it the most deeply, but it isn’t
a competition.
Some of us respond publicly to major tragedies involving large
numbers of people far away whom we don’t know, and send
something extremely helpful, though impersonal, like a check.
Somof us respond privately on a one-to-one basis to the
individuals we encounter daily who are in need, with a hands-on,
“I’m-here-for-you” approach that’s ongoing and personal.
Either way, the people in the world who need help, get it, and
the people in the world who need to give help, get to give it.
ADVERSITY NEVER TAKES A VACATION
There will never be a time when someone, somewhere, isn’t in
pain. In this same office where Marta and Amanda work, for
instance, there are people struggling with personal issues of
monumental proportions – this week, and every week.
Tom found out last week that his only child has cancer and the
prognosis is not good. He’s planning to take his family to
Disneyland over Labor Day. He’s deciding he can no longer wait
for “some day.”
Lucha is trying to figure out how to support 3 children on her
minimum-wage salary, with a car that just broke down, an
ex-husband who will not pay child-support, and aging parents who
also depend upon her. Lucha plans to spend Labor Day working
overtime on Saturday and Monday because she needs the money.
How should you handle the hurricane disaster? Is it right to
take a vacation when so many are suffering? Is it insensitive
for Marta to smile and make plans, or is it Amanda who’s
insensitive to brood, and drag others down with her ruminations?
Does it make sense for the office to send a thousand-dollar
check to a hurricane relief fund, when it could buy Lucha a new
car?
These questions don’t need to be answered, because they don’t
need to be asked. We each have a unique personality, different
coping styles, different pain-thresholds, and our own host of
personal problems others are not always aware of.
COPING STRATEGIES
In the aftermath of 911, we, as a nation, learned skills for
coping with major tragedies, and they’re worth repeating.
“Major” in this sense referring to “numbers of people impacted,”
because, along with not judging how others cope, we need to
avoid comparing, and “rating” tragedies.
Edward, in the corner office, lost his wife last year, and while
the numbers lost in New Orleans are staggering, so was the loss
of one person, his wife, to one person, Edward.
In whatever manner comforts you, manage your emotions, and those
of others — and let us pray that in the best of possible
worlds, those who need to talk find those who are able to listen.
Take care of yourself (especially if you’re a caretaker or
professional listener), not allowing yourself to get too tired,
too lonely, too hungry, or too overwhelmed – and in the best of
possible worlds, those who are stronger can shoulder some of the
burden for those who are not.
Limit the time you spend watching the disaster, as once you know
it has happened, donating mattresses to the Red Cross helps, but
watching television does not. Protect your children (and others
who are vulnerable) from the over-exposure.
Do something to help – and in the best of possible worlds, give
in proportion to what you have been given. But act upon your
compassion, because then it can be felt in the world, not just
inside you.
Remember that while there is suffering in the world, cruelty,
and injustice, at the hands of nature and at the hands of
people, there are also days of incomparable beauty when the sun
shines brightly, the breeze is gentle, and the rivers stay
within their beds; and there are also people who care, people
who comfort, people who are kind, and people who are fair. Our
world is neither all good, nor all bad, and nothing lasts
forever.
If you’re able, attend to the weak and vulnerable. Children see
this on television and need explanations, and to know that their
own world is safe; and so may the old and the infirm and anyone
else already at his or her limit.
Know that it is their turn now, and will be your turn some day –
both to suffer and to alleviate suffering – because that’s the
way life is, and we’re all in this together.
And dare to be happy in an imperfect world. Celebrating Labor
Day and enjoying yourself with a picnic, a trip, or sleeping in
will not affect the victims of the hurricane adversely. It’s not
a zero-sum universe, and you will be of no use to anyone if you
are exhausted, cynical, depressed, or negative.
