Should You Express Feelings at Work?
As Emotional Intelligence becomes the latest buzz word, and
enters the military, business and corporate worlds, the question
arises: “Should you express your emotions at work?” Many people
think that’s what Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is about. This
question is similar to, “Do you think emotions belong in the
workplace?” The answer to both is – Unfortunately, it doesn’t
matter what you think, it’s a reality. We bring our emotions to
the work place. We also express them in the workplace. The key
is the awareness. It’s already going on. EQ is about managing
all this intelligently. Emotional Intelligence is about
self-awareness. That’s the beginning. Knowing your own feelings,
understanding where they come from and how they work, managing
them, and being able to make rational decisions making use of
the information they provide. Our emotions, after all, guide us.
In a very real sense, we ARE our emotions. Once you can do this
for yourself, you can apply this knowledge to others. We like to
think it’s a matter of choice – expressing them or not – but
that’s less often the case than you might think. I was reminded
of this a couple of months ago when I was speaking on a cruise.
I broke my ankle on the second day out. They put a soft cast on
it in the Mexican hospital, and I awaited my return to the US to
get it taken care of. Yes, it hurt, and I wasn’t able to do
much, but to me it wasn’t intolerable. When I went for meals, I
didn’t want my tablemates’ vacation to be “inconvenienced” or to
“worry” them about such a thing while on their vacation,
something “unpleasant.” That’s what we get away for, right? So
there I sat, eating and making polite conversation, acting as if
nothing were wrong (though of course the cast was evident) but
every time I changed position even slightly, I winced. The
gentleman sitting across from me said, “Does your foot hurt?”
“No,” I replied, not wanting to cause concern. The next time it
happened, the same question, “Is your foot hurting?”
“No,” I replied.
This time he challenged me, annoyed, with “Why do you tell me it
doesn’t hurt when it shows all over your face?” The thing is
that we DO show how we’re feeling, whether we want to or not. It
can be subtle, in which case some people will miss it, but
others who are more perceptive will pick up on it. When we see
expressions on people’s faces we can at least tell something’s
wrong, though we may not be able to read the emotion and figure
it out exactly. In this case, it was rather obvious since they
knew I’d broken my ankle. I asked myself why I felt like
concealing how I was feeling (though I didn’t do it very well).
There are reasons why we do. It could be we don’t want to make
other people uncomfortable, or don’t want to appear “weak” or
“overly emotional.” Perhaps it’s the cultural norm you grew up
with (as in my case … you don’t talk about unpleasant things ‘at
table’), or the culture you’re currently in. Perhaps we’d rather
ignore it ourselves, with the “stiff upper lip” philosophy, or
because we think there’s nothing anyone else can do about it. Or
in our family of origin, perhaps when we didn’t express a
negative feeling, nothing WAS done about it, so we no longer
expect it, and keep it to ourselves. But what happens when we
don’t? For one thing, we send mixed messages and, as with my
table companion, this annoys other people. It erodes trust. To
him, I was lying. I was saying I wasn’t in pain (verbally) when
I was (nonverbally, facial expression). It was “little white
lie” in my culture; a big lie in his. He was an outspoken guy, a
rancher from rural Texas. He wanted it all out on the table.
When we don’t express our emotions, but they’re “leaking out” or
when we plaster a “mask” on our faces, removing all expression
(or trying to), we’re perceived as “being hidden.” This erodes
trust. Most of the emotional content in communication takes
place nonverbally, as it did in this exchange. We were talking
as if nothing were wrong, when my facial expressions (evidently)
were showing pain. I wasn’t that aware of … which, often we are
not. Had this been on occasion where I wanted, or needed, to
hide how I was feeling, it would help me to be more aware of my
expressions, yes? This was a social occasion, and here was the
result. When I finally came out (to his way of thinking) and
“admitted” I was in pain (I thought they would know, of
course!), I received lots of help. They moved a chair so I could
put my foot up, they escorted me from the dining room, they were
solicitous of my well-being. These are all nice things! And
here’s the other side of the communication coin … in the back of
my mind, I was sure everyone “knew” I was in great pain. Have
you ever broken a bone? It’s excruciating! I assumed everyone
knew that and that his question meant … “Assuming you’re in
pain, is it tolerable? It is intolerable? Is there anything we
can do? Can we help you?” (We leave out a lot of words in our
communication, and we always carry a lot of assumptions into the
conversations.) When we express our emotions (appropriately) at
work, the same things can happen. For instance, if you’re
confused by the instructions you’ve been given, it’s best to
express this. Then you can get the clarification you need. If
you’re annoyed by the noise your colleague is making at their
desk, if you express it, then it can be solved. If you’re
frustrated someone’s not making a deadline, or disappointed when
a colleague’s let you down, it’s best to express it verbally and
appropriately, rather than bottle it up inside, or fail to
address the situation, or leave all those assumptions rattling
around.
Equally as importantly, if you’re on a project team and you are
sceptical about a procedure, or have a gut feeling a strategy
isn’t going to work, these feelings must be expressed for the
success of the venture. Our emotions guide us. We ignore them to
our peril. When we deal with our emotions at the time, it keeps
little things from becoming big issues. It keeps you out of the
place of resentment. It allows you to get what you want and
need, and for others to as well. Work is about people, emotions
and relationships. In order to make this work best, we need to
acknowledge the feelings are there, and deal with them. That’s
what emotional intelligence is all about. We’ve done a good job
at treating the intellectual side of work. We hire people for
their academic degrees, credentials, and experience. Then we
train them in skills, providing graduated experience for them to
learn from, and mentor them in technical areas or send them to
classes. What’s been ignored is coaching in the “people”
element, what’s commonly called the “soft” skills. Emotional
Intelligence coaching is about training in emotional management,
communication, leadership, vision, resilience, flexibility and
the other EQ competencies. Businesses don’t succeed, people do.
Take care of the “people” side of the equation with EQ.
